RATE MY ESSAY PLEASE, ONLY ABOUT 500 WORDS -- 10 points fast?

If you have Microsoft word spell checker, run it through, I can see about 5 grammatical and punctuation errors. Other than that you have a good range of sentence openings and a good use of grammatical devices. Try to introduce the semi-colon into your essay and replace the word "less" with "fewer" (I think it's about 15 lines down).